© 2018 Maxwell Alexander Drake

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WELCOME

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Need Brutal Writing Advice?

About Me

Random Silliness

A Few Good Stories

(Drake) You want my story for your anthology? 
(Editor) I think I'm entitled to it. 
(Drake) You want my story? 
(Editor) I want your story! 
(Drake) You can't handle my story! Son, we live in a world that has books. And those books have to be read by people with intelligence. Who's gonna read them? You? You, Mr. Editor? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the death of the Hardbacks and you curse the rise of the eBook. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the death of the Hardback, while tragic, probably creates new fans. And my writing style, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, entertains and moves fans... You say you want my story. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want the fans who like my stories. You need the fans who pay for my stories! 
    I use words like theme, character development, point of view... I use these words as the backbone to a life spent writing stories fans appreciate. You use 'em as the back blurb to your books! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to an Editor who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very stories I provide, then questions the manner in which I write them! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and write your own story. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to! 
(Editor) Are you going to submit to my anthology? 
(Drake) (quietly) I wrote a story that fits your submission guidelines. 
(Editor) (screaming) Are you going to submit to my anthology? 
(Drake) (screams back) You're goddamn right I am!!!

Deck the Zombies

So, I've been overly festive this year, and I'm appalled at the lack of Christmas love for Zombies. So, I wrote them their own carol to cheer them up.

‚Äč

Deck the halls with fresh intestines, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 
Tis the season our hunger heightens, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

Don we now the clothes we died in, 
Fa la la, la la la, la la la. 
Troll the streets for folks still livin’, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

See them scream and run before us, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 
Strike them down without remor-us. 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

Follow me in merry dining, 
Fa la la, la la la, la la la. 
While the living are still whining, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

Fast away there’s one still living, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 
He has a gun he may be winning, 
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 

Moan and charge him, all together, 
Fa la la, la la la, la la la. 
Heedless of impending danger, 
Fa la la la la, la la… la…… Braaaaains.

Neko the Spider Moneky

Let me tell you a story about Neko the spider monkey. Chapter One: Neko was a happy monkey, and he loved to make other people happy. Every morning he would ride his little tricycle around the neighborhood and throw darts at the children. They would laugh and laugh because, while the darts hurt like hell, each had a yummy lollipop on the end. That silly monkey. Always making people happy. And giving a few tetanus.

Let me tell you a story about Neko the spider monkey. Chapter Two: Neko also loved spending time at the hospital. He felt that even sick and dying people should be happy. He would run from room to room, unplugging all the strange beeping machines. The patients would all laugh and laugh because, while the machines may have been needed, now the patients could sleep without all that racket. Some slept so well, they never woke up again. That silly monkey. Always making people happy. And sometimes ending their suffering... from noisy machines.

Let me tell you a story about Neko the spider monkey. Chapter Three: Neko loved the holidays. But he didn't understand why anyone would limit it to just one at a time - so he started celebrating several at once. His favorite was combining Halloween and April Fools day! He called it Fooloween. How the children would laugh and laugh after they had eaten all his opium-laced chocolate! That silly monkey. Always making people happy. And fueling the drug wars of tomorrow.